


Alone

by MorganaNK



Category: Inspector Lynley - All Media Types, Inspector Lynley Mysteries (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-21
Packaged: 2018-10-20 03:37:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10654107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganaNK/pseuds/MorganaNK
Summary: You're never as alone as you think you are





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Property of Elizabeth George and the BBC, no copyright infringement intended

I approached the front door, smiling as I took in its familiar battered and worn appearance. Its imperfections comforted me, just as the person who lived behind it did. 

Barbara. At the thought of her my smile grew wider. Being in her company was like pulling on a favourite sweater, or clambering into a freshly made bed. There was just something about her that made me feel safe, secure, and loved.

I knocked briskly, before standing back and waiting for her to answer. She had called in sick that morning and I had missed her. Being at work without her by my side felt wrong, as if there was a huge part of me missing; I didn’t like it. 

The door opened a crack and Barbara’s face peered around it.

“Sir? What are you doing here?”

“Checking up on you. Are you going to let me in?”

“Of course, sorry.”

She opened the door wider to allow me to enter, and as I did so I took a good look at her. Her face was pale, her eyes bloodshot and watery, her hair in disarray. I waited while she closed the door behind me, and then followed her into the lounge. Her coffee table was buried under piles of paper, and she hurried to tidy them.

“I’m sorry about the mess, wasn’t expecting visitors.”

I caught hold of her wrist, gently tugging her so that she was standing in front of me.

“It doesn’t matter to me, you know that. Relax. Talk to me.”

My fingers loosened their grip on her arm, my thumb stroking the soft skin on the inside of her wrist. She glanced down, but didn’t pull away. 

“I don’t know what to say.”

I smiled, “we could start with something easy like how you are feeling.”

“Not great. I’m sorry I let you down today.”

I noticed that her eyes were brimming with tears and so I drew her closer, wrapping my arms around her and cradling her against my chest. She grabbed hold of my jacket, gripping the lapels tightly in her fists as she buried her face against me, my shirt becoming damp.

“You didn’t let me down, you never let me down. What’s wrong Barbara?”

“Mum. She’s gone.”

Barbara started to sob, her arms sliding around my waist. I slid my hand under her top, caressing the small of her back, peppering her hair with kisses; holding her, comforting her, offering her my strength and support. Eventually her sobs became sniffs and her death grip on me lessened. I guided her over to the couch and helped her sit, taking the seat next to her.

“Sorry for using you as a hanky.”

“I don’t mind, makes me feel useful.”

She gave me a watery smile, running her fingers through her hair distractedly.

“That’s more than I feel right now.”

I slid my arm around her shoulder, “you’re in shock and you’re grieving, don’t be too hard on yourself.”

“I don’t know if I am, grieving I mean. If anything, I’m angry.”

“Angry? Why?”

“Because once again I have been left to deal with everything!” Barbara pushed away from me and began to pace. “Terry died and left me to look after Mum and Dad; Dad died and left me to cope with Mum; and now Mum has died and I have to deal with everything that she’s left behind. It’s always me that has to clear up the mess!”

I caught hold of her arm again, pulling her back down to the seat beside me.

“You don’t have to do this alone; whatever you need, I will be there.”

“And then you’ll leave me.” Her voice was small and broken.

“Why do you think I’ll leave you? I could never leave you.”

“Of course you’ll leave me; everyone I love always does!” 

Her eyes widened, her hand flying to her mouth as she realised what she had said.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t… sorry.”

“Look at me Barbara.”

She shook her head, still muttering sorry under her breath.

“Please look at me Barbara.”

“I can’t… sorry.”

“Okay, if you won’t look at me then I shall say what I need to say to the back of your head. I love you Barbara, I’ve loved you for a long time, and I’m not going anywhere.”

“Don’t say that, not if you don’t mean it.”

I moved so that I was in front of her, hooking a finger under her chin and raising her head to make her look at me.

“I do mean it. For the first time in my life I can say the words with absolute certainty. I love you Barbara Havers, and I’m here for as long as you’ll have me.”

She slumped against me, tears streaming down her face. I wrapped my arms around her again, rocking her, soothing her. I hated to see her so upset, but she needed to work through her pain to find her strength, and I would be there for her every step of the way. Gradually her body relaxed and her breathing evened out as she drifted off to sleep. I scooped her up and carried her through to the bedroom, settling her in the bed before undressing to my boxers, sliding in next to her and taking her back into my arms; the beating of her heart lulling me to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Barbara’s arm was linked through mine and I could feel her shaking. I reached across and put my free hand atop of hers, rubbing it gently. She looked up at me through tear filled eyes, her front tooth worrying her bottom lip.

The vicar concluded the ashes interment service and started to walk away, sensing that Barbara was in no way ready to exchange pleasantries. I acknowledged him with a silent nod as he passed us before returning my attention to the woman beside me.

“Do you want some time alone with them?”

Barbara shook her head, hiding her face against my shoulder. I guided her away from the cemetery and back to the car. 

“What do you want to do now? We can go and get something to eat or…”

“Can we go back to yours?”

“Of course, whatever you want.”

She was quiet for the rest of the journey, staring distractedly out of the window at the passing scenery. I was concerned about her, but was determined to be there, whatever she needed. There was no way I would let her walk down the path I had after Helen’s death.

I dropped my keys on the hall table, threw my coat over the bannister and then followed Barbara through to the lounge. Absently she discarded her coat on the arm of the couch, ignoring it as it slid onto the floor. She wandered over to the window and looked out, her forehead resting on the glass.

I walked up to her, resting my hands on her shoulders. “Can I get you anything?”

“Do you think they’re all together again? I mean, I know they’re all interred together but, if there is something after all of this, do you think they’ll find each other?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I’d like to think that there is a hereafter, and that people are reunited with those they have loved and lost, but…”

“Terry’s death destroyed my parents and shattered the family. I always felt that the wrong child died, that if it had been me they would have coped better.”

“You can’t know that Barbara.”

“They were never proud of me, no matter what I did.”

“When you lose a child, you grieve for the loss of who they were, but you also grieve for who they could have been and what they might have become. It changes you. I don’t believe your parents weren’t proud of you, they just didn’t know how to show it. Your achievements would always have reminded them of Terry and the potential that was lost when he died.”

Barbara turned and slipped her arms around my waist, I mirrored her action. “You know, that’s the first time you’ve ever mentioned how you felt about losing your son. You can talk to me about him, if it would help.”

“I think of him often; what he would look like, whether he would be like me or Helen, and I still wonder if his death was some form of punishment because I wasn’t enthusiastic about being a father when Helen first told me she was pregnant.”

“It wasn’t.”

“I know that, rationally anyhow, it doesn’t stop me from wondering. Sometimes I blame Helen, I told her not to get involved, but she thought she knew better and look where that got her.”

“That’s a whole lot of coulda woulda shoulda Tommy.”

I smiled at her, “the same applies to you. Neither of us can change what happened in our past, we can only look to the future.”

She leant back in my embrace, staring up at me with a bashful smile. “And what do you see when you look to the future?”

“I see you.”

The bashful smile grew wider, and I could see mischief in her eyes. “That’s fortunate.”

“It is?” I was happy to play along with her.

“Yes, because when I look to the future, all I can see is you.”


	3. Chapter 3

I brought the Bristol to a standstill in the Met car park and then turned to face Barbara.

“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. I am more than happy to sign you off for a couple more weeks.”

She reached for my hand, lacing her fingers through mine, “I need to do this. I’m ready to do this. If I sit at home for one more day I think I’ll have a psychotic break; either that or I’ll become brainwashed by daytime television, start an antiques business and list the entire contents of Howenstow on eBay!”

I couldn’t fight the laughter bubbling up inside of me, happy that she was teasing me. 

“How much do you think you’d get for me and Mother?”

“Your mother? Probably about fifty quid. You? Fifty pence, but I’d have to make sure they knew that there were no returns.”

“Only fifty pence? I would have thought, with my skills, you would get at least double that.”

She leant her head against my shoulder, looking at me from under her lashes, the picture of innocence.

“And what skills would those be?”

“You’ve forgotten already? I could turn the car around and take you home to refresh your memory.”

“As tempting as that proposition is, I think Hillier might have a few issues with it.”

“We could just do the you resign I resign dance?”

“And do what with our time? Run the antiques business I suggested?”

“There is that, but I was thinking more along the lines of us getting married and starting a family.”

She sat bolt upright. “Us? Do WHAT?”

“Get married and start a family.”

“We’ve only just, I mean, are you sure?”

I smiled fondly at her. “Breathe Barbara. Yes, I am sure. We both know we’ve been heading towards this for years. We said that when we looked to the future we only saw each other, and I want that future; I want you. Resign from the Met and marry me.”

“Well, when you put it like that, how can a girl refuse?”

“Hopefully she won’t. Please Barbara?”

“You don’t have to beg me Tommy, of course I’ll marry you!”

“You will? Oh Barbara, thank you, this means the world to me, thank you.”

“It means the world to me too. I want the future too Tommy, it’s all I’ve ever wanted. One thing though.”

“Anything.”

“Let’s keep this between us for now.”

“Can I ask why?”

“Now the real reason I have been off is common knowledge, I’m going to be the centre of attention as it is, everyone offering me their sympathies, asking me if I am okay, if there is anything I need or anything they can do to help. I want this, us, our relationship, to be ours, to be something that only we know about, that only we share. I don’t want us to be office gossip, I don’t want people falling silent when we walk into a room. People have always judged us and speculated about our friendship. For once I want my private life to be just that, at least until everything is organised and we both hand in our notice.”

“Okay, of course. I understand completely. The change in our relationship will remain our secret, unless anyone has spotted us since we parked up here.”

“I doubt anyone would have noticed anything in this driving rain, too busy worrying about their takeaway coffees getting cold! Come on Sir, it’s time for us to face the firing squad!”


	4. Chapter 4

Breathless, I rolled off Barbara and onto my back on the bed beside her.

“You’re going to kill me.”

She propped herself up on her elbow and ran her fingers over my chest.

“I have no plans to do that, especially not on our wedding night.”

“Hmmm, you’re going to have to give me some recovery time, I’m not as young as I used to be.”

“You may not be as young, but you’re still as gorgeous. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, and today is the first day of the rest of our lives.”

“I still can’t believe that we managed to pull this off without anyone at work finding out. Makes you wonder about their detective skills!”

“It will be a nice surprise for them all when we go in on Monday and tell them.”

“Talking about surprises, I have one for you, one that I hope you’ll be happy about.”

Barbara looked nervous and a little uncertain. I rolled onto my side to face her, my expression soft and loving. “Tell me?”

She reached for my free hand and held it against her stomach with hers. I glanced down at our joined hands and then back up at her face. “Really?”

She smiled at me and nodded, tears glistening in her eyes.

“How many months?”

“About two. You are happy about this aren’t you Tommy?”

I leaned forward and captured her lips with mine, kissing her until she rolled onto her back. I moved above her, taking my weight on my knees, cradling her face in my hands. “I’m more than happy, I’m thrilled. This is wonderful news, the best news. I’ll be there for you every step of the way.”

“That’s what I want, every scan, every appointment, every kick; I want to share it all with you.”

“We need to revise our resignation letters, tell Hillier that we are taking our outstanding annual leave in lieu of our notice. I don’t want to sound controlling, but the thought of you working now you’re pregnant scares me, and I don’t want to do the job without you by my side.” My voice caught and tears rolled down my cheeks. Barbara reached out and tenderly wiped them away.

“I understand Tommy, I do, and I promise you that I won’t do anything that might put our baby at risk. This is the future we wanted, the life that we planned, I have no intention of jeopardising it.”

“Thank you.”

Barbara slid her arms around my neck, “now, you mentioned something about needing some recovery time, have I given you long enough?”

“Probably.”

She tugged my head down until our lips were a hair's breadth apart, “probably? Do you want to try and answer that question again Lord Asherton?”

“Definitely.”

“Better.”

~*~

Barbara was leaning against the Bristol, laughing so hard she was holding her side.

“God Tommy, Hillier’s face.”

“I know. It changed colour so many times a chameleon would have had trouble keeping up with him!”

“It was the spluttering indignation that got me. It was as if we should have asked his permission before we got married.”

“Well, strictly…”

“Okay, strictly we should have, but when have you and I ever followed the rules? In fact, wasn’t your motto that it is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission?”

I held my hands up in a gesture of surrender, which just made her laugh even more.

“We’re wasting good honeymoon time standing around here Mrs Lynley.”

Barbara caught hold of my tie and pulled me towards her. “What would you rather be doing?”

“Oh, I don’t know, getting hot and sweaty and naked with you, something along those lines anyhow. Sound tempting?”

“Very.” Her lips met mine, her fingers running through my hair. “Let’s go home Tommy, you promised me hot and sweaty and naked. I don’t know about you, but I’m not up for putting on a show for our ex-colleagues.”

“Agreed. Despite my reputation around here I am not an exhibitionist.”

“I never believed the crap people said about you.”

“Your opinion is the only one that has ever mattered.”

"Ditto."


	5. Epilogue

I crept quietly into Barbara’s hospital room and made my way over to the perspex cot beside her bed. Sleeping peacefully within it was our son. I was mesmerised by him and completely overwhelmed with love.

“Is your mum excited to be a grandma again?”

I moved to Barbara’s side and, bending down, kissed her softly on the lips. “You should be asleep, you need your rest.”

“I’ll sleep later. So, your mum?”

“She was thrilled, in her usual restrained, upper class way. I said we’d let her know when we were up for visitors.”

“No offence Tommy but I would rather go to Howenstow than have her come to stay with us.”

I smiled, understanding completely. “Then that is what we will do. I’m on your side here.”

“I don’t want to alienate her, I really don’t, but I can only deal with your mother in small doses. At least at Howenstow there are plenty of places to hide if you need some alone time. At Eaton Terrace we’d be on top of each other and tempers would fray.”

A smirk crossed my face, and I winked at her playfully. “Hide and seek at Howenstow sounds like fun to me, especially if we can get Mother to babysit.”

“Why do I get the feeling you’re talking about a naked game of hide and seek?”

“Because you know me too well. Because we don’t have any secrets from each other.”

“Because we are each as filthy minded as the other?”

“I like to think of it as sexually liberated.”

“I can’t believe we are having a conversation about sex when I gave birth to our son just a few hours ago. I’m glad he’s asleep or we’d be corrupting him at a very young age. What are we like!”

“I don’t think you really want me to answer that, not if you think talking about a naked game of hide and seek was corrupting.”

“Let’s leave this discussion for when we are back home and safely ensconced in the privacy of our own four walls.”

“Speaking of which, are they still letting you both go home today?”

“We can go home as soon as I’m dressed and packed, if you remembered to bring the Range Rover instead of the Bristol.”

“I brought the Range Rover.”

“Then you can get your son settled in his car seat and I will get dressed.”

“Anything else dear?”

She grinned broadly at me. “Yes, don’t be cheeky.”

“Spoilsport!”

~*~

Barbara fed our son and returned him to his moses basket before slipping back into bed and into my arms. I stroked a lock of hair off her forehead before brushing my lips against her skin.

“You were amazing today. I love you so much for giving us our son.”

“Even if I did swear up a blue streak and nearly break all of your fingers?”

“Even then. I wouldn’t change a single moment.”

“I never thought that my life would turn out like this; that I would be a wife and a mother, and that I would get to share all these things with you. I love you too Tommy. I probably don’t say it enough, but I really do.”

“We don’t need words Barbara, we never did. All I had to do was look in your eyes and I knew that I was loved, that hasn’t changed.”

“It never will.”


End file.
